Talk Enneagram to Me
My favorite way to learn more about myself and others
Hi fellow twenty-somethings, welcome back <3
My favorite question to ask on a first date is, “What’s your enneagram type?” And when stupid guys always assume I'm referring to the Myers-Briggs test, I’m ecstatic to share why the enneagram is different and superior to all else.
There are nine archetypes and while we exhibit traits from each, one of them should resonate more than the others. This is your core personality (or essence) type, and knowing it can help you understand why you do what you do and shed insight into your strengths and challenges. It also provides insights into our shadow self and exposes our motivations and fears. Each personality type is along a continuum from healthy to unhealthy. Knowing our enneagram types helps us understand ourselves and others better.
Since we’re still getting to know each other here, let’s take the test together!
1 THE REFORMER
Aka the “perfectionist”. They adhere to high standards and work hard to avoid making mistakes. They are ethical, well-organized, and stable.
Basic fear: being imperfect and evil
2 THE HELPER
Twos are nurturing and caring, driven by a desire to belong and be loved. They feel secure when others rely on them.
Basic fear: feeling unwanted or unworthy of being loved
3 THE ACHIEVER
Threes seek success and admiration, conscious of public image. They are confident, hard-working, and strive to feel valuable.
Basic fear: being worthless
4 THE INDIVIDUALIST
Fours are driven by their pursuit of authenticity, longing to be seen and accepted. They are passionate, creative, and self-aware.
Basic fear: having no significance
5 THE INVESTIGATOR
Fives are curious people who seek understanding and knowledge. They are typically more comfortable with data than other people. They direct their energy inward, gaining clarity on complex issues with precision.
Basic fear: being useless and incapable of greatness
6 THE LOYALIST
Sixes are preoccupied with security and being prepared for all possible problems. They work hard to protect loved ones by staying vigilant and anticipating potential threats.
Basic fear: not having support and guidance
7 THE ENTHUSIAST
Sevens crave fun and adventure, often as a way to avoid feeling emotional pain. They are highly productive, non-judgemental, and energetic.
Basic fear: being in pain and feeling deprived of what life has to offer
8 THE CHALLENGER
Eights are strong-willed, decisive, and seek control. They believe in standing up for those weaker than themselves and make strong leaders.
Basic fear: being under the control of others or being harmed
9 THE PEACEMAKER
Nines are adaptable and go with the flow to avoid conflict. They fear pushing people away and strive to diffuse conflict in order to bring people together.
Basic fear: becoming lost or separated from others and themself
Are you thinking of different people in your life who fit each type? Soon it will become a fun game where you can guess your friends' types and then make them take the test to see how well you really know them. (and yes, this is one of my favorite games!)
My results:
I first took this exact test in my senior year of college in my interpersonal communications class. A quarter of our semester was focused on the enneagram, and my professor wrote his own textbook on the topic. I didn’t necessarily love school, but I LOVED this class. Instead of lecture hall style, we sat in a circle to easily talk and half of our grades were based on participation. My professor shared how the enneagram is a great tool for young twenty-year-olds as we try to understand who we are and why we are.
As I read about type 4, I felt seen and understood. I highlighted almost every line in my textbook and in the margins, with my hot pink pen, I wrote things like “OMG ME!!!” and “YESSS makes sense now.”
A problem I identified closely with: The ego fixation for type 4 is melancholy- a desire for what is missing. They can fall into a bittersweet longing for the perfect partner, the ideal life. They fail to appreciate what is around them by obsessing about what is missing.
Something I realized I’d been doing in a current relationship only by reading about it: Purposely pushing people away to test if they’ll come closer as a way to subconsciously prove to yourself that you are always abandoned. Childhood wound = abandonment.
I guess it makes sense why I love the enneagram as a type 4, it helps me feel seen and accepted. I strive to be self-aware, and this helps me immensely. For every other type, I am confident you will also gain something out of reading up on your enneagram type. And let me know when you do!!
A fun bonus for you: make your significant other take the test and check your compatibility here. Don’t worry, no two pairings are doomed, each has its own strengths and weaknesses.
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My Weekly R.E.P.O.R.T.
Reading: I’m now 5 books behind my goal of 25 books in 2023, so I’ve been reading as much as possible this week. I finished The Way I Am Now by Amber Smith (4 / 5) which is a sequel to one of the most heartbreaking books I’ve ever read, The Way I Used to Be (5 / 5). TW: These books talk about sexual assault. I am also halfway through My Husband by Maud Ventura, which is about a wife who is utterly obsessed and consumed by her husband. The main character is a bit strange but I’m also completely hooked.
Eating: I’m ashamed to say that I did not cook dinner for myself once this week. I’m even more ashamed to say that my favorite meal of the week was pizza from a local shop down the street. If you live in Hoboken, I’m talking about the one and only, Napoli’s.
Playing: Scrabble and other board games at Hex and Co, a bar/cafe, on the Upper East Side with hundreds of games stacked along the walls.
I won and my bestie pictured here, also named Sam, was (supposed to be) stuck paying for the drinks as the loser.
Obsessing: Firepit and movie projector nights in my backyard.
Recommending: Create a holiday gift budget so you don’t max out any credit cards this season. I am ashamed to say that last Christmas I maxed out my Amazon credit card on December 23rd, but lessons are learned the hard way sometimes.
Treating: New books!
And now my bookshelf needs a second row, oops.
Truth I Learned This Week
Sometimes we hold onto people from our past not because we want to be with them again, but because we want to be the person we were back then.
This week in therapy I shared my current frustration with life and the challenges it’s thrown at me. Usually, I pride myself on being able to focus on the positive aspects like that each experience makes me stronger and leads to valuable lessons and deeper connections. Other times, like this week, I was overwhelmed by my emotions and had the desire to be 18 again.
So my therapist asked, why 18? I explained that my dad was alive and we had just become extremely close. I fell in love for the first time and it was the simplest, most fun relationship I’ve still ever been in. I had no real worries or responsibilities. I saw all my friends in one place every day of the week.
Shockingly, my grief therapist didn’t go straight for the dead dad comment, and instead for my ex. I rolled my eyes and assured her that I didn’t mean I wanted to be with him again, I’m just saying I miss the simplicity of that time in my life. Of course, she wanted to dig deeper.
When asked if I miss him, I said that I think back to us from time to time but I know we never would have worked today. That’s when she said, “I think you miss who you were when you were with him, that past version of yourself that you correlate to him. And sometimes that’s why we hold onto people. I think that’s why it took you so long to let go too.”
After my dad died, it wasn’t even that I wanted to get back together with him, it felt more like a need. My ex-boyfriend and I made poop jokes instead of talking about anything real, we danced through the city streets together and found a way to make everything fun. We were rarely serious and I craved feeling that way again.
We had a very on-and-off relationship and when he told me a couple of years ago that he didn’t want to date me and we should let each other go, I held on so tightly to the idea of him changing his mind. Deep down I knew that, when my friends listed the reasons why we wouldn’t have worked, they were right. But I also knew that if I could just be with him, I would get to feel like the carefree girl who doesn’t have to think about serious issues anymore, and that’s truly what I craved. In the past when I went on and on about why I missed him, I really should have been talking about why I missed who I was then. I needed to not only let go of my ex but also this girl I used to be.
Can anyone else relate? Maybe it’s not about an ex-boyfriend but think of a person or period of your life that you try to hold onto. What is it that you miss about those times? Maybe you miss high school and you often find yourself holding onto when you were the star lacrosse player. Do you miss the sport? In that case, maybe find a recreational lacrosse league in your area to join. Or do you miss the praise you received and the acclaim? Think of how you can move forward by finding other ways to feel that in your current stage of life.
Personally, I was scared to accept the changes that come with grief because it meant I was accepting the pain and reality of my dad being gone. There’s a poem in the book that I shared last week that says, “Today I'm holding a funeral for the part of me that died with you, the part of me that loved easily and viewed the world through innocent eyes…death is a villain that doesn't ever take one victim at a time. When they buried your heart in the dirt they also buried mine.” And I can’t think of a more perfect way to express that. Now I just need to accept that.
We at book inc love a personality test! Thanks for sharing Sam!